Babababaaaaddddboy to the Bone

Yesterday, I wrote about how I suffered through my first heartbreak. Looking back on the experience, I can see things from a learning perspective. Back then, I was just a young girl, beginning my journey into life. I was new. Pure. Untouched. Unspoiled. But living life does something to one’s persona. When you get cheated on, or betrayed or lied to, it takes away the happy–it takes away the innocense, and leaves hard-core cynics who live in mistrust and fear. Life has a way of working its lessons, doesn’t it? One day we’re wearing shit-eating grins, and the next day we’re crying over some guy who didn’t call.

But here’s the thing: why do we let ourselves get hurt, over and over again? I know we’re not stupid people. We have it going on, don’t we? We’re hip to it, clever, too old for the chomp, and yet, we still make the same freakin’ mistakes; as if we’re robots stuck on STUPID mode. But, why?

Why do we go with the wrong men? What is it about the badboy that attracts us?

Now, before you say that you’re not attracted to the badboy, let me define what badboy means to me. To me, a badboy is a guy who we can’t stay away from. He’s cute, funny, smart, you know, he has the whole package. The reason I call him a badboy isn’t because he’s out in the world committing crimes or riding a Harley with the Angels, wreaking havoc everywhere he goes. Nope. He’s a badboy because there’s something about him that hits an emotional trigger within us; a trigger that could bring us to our knees, if we let it. What’s the trigger? It’s our fathers.

Please don’t say, eeeww, because I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about a trait that mimics something we equate with love and security–even in father-daughter relationships that weren’t good. We somehow make an emotional link to the badboy if there’s something about him that subconsciously reminds us of our fathers. So this guy is good to go, right? Wrong.

Wrong? Yes, wrong. Why? Because these traits are only mimics of the man who raised you. The badboy is just a guy who has his own values and beliefs. He’s not your father; he’s only a trigger. He’s got his own agenda which may be good or not so good. He may look like dad, walk like dad, talk like dad, but he ain’t dad. He’s a badboy who reminds you of dad, and this, all by itself, keeps you attracted to him.

Now this guy may come off like the greatest catch, and because of it, you find yourself hopelessly in love—to the point where he can do no wrong, until he does something wrong. You find out he cheated. Can’t be. He was perfect in every way. But the truth is, you wanted to believe he was perfect because he reminded you of dad. What now? How do you get past his betrayal? You want to believe he’s innocent. You’re even willing to give him another chance, if his story seems credible. But the story doesn’t hold water. He tricked you. Eventually, he’s gone.

What do you do now? If you don’t understand what attracted you to this guy you’ll end up going after another guy just like him. You’ll find another daddy-badboy and repeat the process all over again. So how do you break the pattern of going after the badboy?

You have to sit down and examine the attraction. Examine his traits. Think them through. Then ask yourself this: am I equating this guy with my father? It’ll be tough to answer because you may not want to admit it, but trust me, if you do this, you won’t make the same mistake again.

Girls. I hate to say this, but it’s horrible when big girls cry. Isn’t it time to put an end to it?


What Do You Do When Love Don’t Love You

What I’m about to tell you is a true story. It’s something that I believe deserves mentioning. It’s a situation that so many of us face everyday, yet we somehow blow if off and tell ourselves that it’s not true. I was 23 years old when this happened. I was young, vulnerable, and a soul who needed to feel loved. It was also a very confusing time for me, as I had only been married one year and wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. You see, my ex-husband was a big-time player back then, and he didn’t want the responsibility of being tied-down. He thought that he could come and go as he pleased, despite my efforts in trying to keep him at bay.

Well one day, I received a phone call from a friend who happened to mention that a group of mutual friends, from the bar where we hung out, were going to Atlantic City that afternoon. The plan was for everyone to meet up at the bar at 4:00 in the afternoon to take a chartered bus. As she continued talking, my mind was playing back the conversation I had with my husband before I had left the house for work that morning. He had told me that he had to do something for his father, and it would take him most of the night. I didn’t think to question him so I let the conversation drop from my mind and headed out the door. But as my friend continued to talk, I began to suspect that I had been lied to and that he would be joining the group who were going out that night.
When I hung up the  phone, I found that my instincts couldn’t be ignored, and I did what I felt was necessary to catch him: I left work early.

He had no idea that I was on my way home, so when I got there, I quickly changed my clothes, grabbed my car keys, and headed over to the local pub. As I was driving, my heart was pounding through my chest. I was so determined to catch him that I was weaving in and out of traffic–I even went through red lights. As I approached the block of the bar, I could see in the distance the silver bus parked in front, and next to it, the large crowd waiting to board. I knew this was going to be it.  I was going to catch him.

I pulled my car over and quickly jumped out; and as I ran towards the group I could plainly see my husband chatting away with one of the girls. The line was moving quickly onto the bus, and he and the girl were almost near the door when I yelled out to him.

“Don’t even try it!”

He spun around, and upon noticing me, displayed a dropped jaw and bulging eyes. He was cold-busted.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” I yelled.

He stepped off the line and walked towards me. “What?” he said, playing dumb.

“You heard me. Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going to hang out for a while,” he stammered.

I was now in front of his face. “You said you were helping your father tonight. So you lied?”

He turned to look at the line getting onto the bus and then turned to look at me. “I didn’t lie. My father said that he didn’t need any help, so I figured I would go with my friends. What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal?” I shrieked.

He didn’t answer me. He just kept turning to look at his friends, who were heckling him.

“You must really wanna get on that bus? Don’t ya?” I said.

He rolled his eyes.

Right there I had my answer. He wanted to be with his friends, and had planned on being on the bus and long gone before I got home from work. It was like–play now, deal with it later. The betrayal was almost crushing. To think that my husband was lying right to my face and didn’t even care that I was hurt. I turned around and began walking back to my car.

“So you’re mad?” he called out.

I stopped walking to look back to him.

“You get on that bus, and I’m calling a lawyer.” 

I started to walk away.

He took a step toward me. “Oh, great. Okay, fine. I won’t go. Bitch.” 

I just kept walking.

“What? No snappy comeback?” he called out.

I wouldn’t turn around. I opened my car door and got in. As I put my key in the ignition, I looked into my rearview mirror. He was getting into his car which was parked on the corner behind me. For some reason, I had a feeling that he wasn’t going home so I did what any girl would do.  

 As he pulled out of his spot, I pulled out of mine and banged a U-turn. He went down one street, I went down the street which was parallel and cut him off. We met up on the adjoining avenue. When he saw me, he stepped on the gas and made a hard left down the next street. Oh yeah, I yelled out loud. Can’t lose me!

And as the chase continued, him trying to get away from me and me cutting him off at every turn, it suddenly occurred to me that I was running after someone who didn’t want to be caught. I was trying to catch up to someone who didn’t want me around. The revelation was mind-blowing. It was huge! I was married to someone who I loved, but who didn’t love me back. As this truth unfolded, I began to feel stupid. I felt the harshness of the realization creep into my stomach and into my head. Suddenly I felt like I didn’t belong–didn’t fit in–wasn’t wanted– and that perhaps I never was wanted. I pulled my car over to the nearest empty spot and turned it off, and just stared out the window. The only thing I could hear was the bare whisper of my own stupidity leaving my lips, Val, he doesn’t want you. Stop chasing him.

I must have sat there for fifteen minutes before I could even move. The truth was hardcore. It was devastating, but most of all, it was real. I turned on the ignition and pulled out of the spot and went home.

Sometimes the truth is the most terrifying of fears that we must face. It can break our spirits. It can be so painful. It can make us curl into fetal positions wishing we had never been born. It was that day when I learned that you can’t make someone love you when they just don’t.
Looking back, I can say that my ex-husband didn’t love me. And maybe it was all for the best. Life has a way of delivering the truth. But it’s up to us to recognize it, and to face it–to learn from it and to move on. When someone doesn’t love you, they just don’t, and nothing you could do can change it.

Blog Browsing Friday

This is a rerun–Please take a read while I write this week’s blog. OR just come back during the week. Catch-up with you later 🙂


I thought that today, Friday October 24, 2008, I would take time and read some other people’s blogs–you know, to see what’s happening and to see how they write. Hey, I’m a writer, and this is what I do. I’ve read some awesome viewpoints, and I’ve read some poorly written blogs that had great ideas and content, but were grammatical bombs.

Here’s one person’s blog which I found very note worthy, and if you have the chance, you should read it. I’m going to put the link right here where your iddy, biddy finger can just tap the mouse. This blog is written by Susan Loone. Check it out. Police arrest 6 year old

Also, a note worthy read is an article by James Pinkerton–yes, another Obama masterpiece. Talk about the existence of the devil. Wow! Check it out here FOX WORTHY READ

So I’m off now to scout more good reads. In the meantime, if you have a blog worth reading, hook me up. Hugs!


Mustard vs. Mayo

I love mustard. I’ll put it on anything. The tangy, twang that makes my face perspire simply cannot be matched by any other condiment–not even mayo. Now I’m not saying that mayo isn’t good stuff, it is. I’m just saying that I rather have mustard on all my sandwiches. Is that a crime? Well, it seems to be around this neck of the woods. Where I come from, mayo rules. The people I know put mayo on everything–from scrambled eggs to steak sandwiches. I mean, really. That’s just gross. The heat from cooked eggs makes mayo a runny and nasty mess.

I had a male friend who put mayo on oatmeal. Can you imagine? Okay. So what’s with me talking about mayo and mustard today? There was a big thing around my house last night about which is better. I know. We’re pretty pathetic, right? But you see, the boyfriend was making a late night snack, and he put heaping spoonfuls of mayo on his sandwich. I was completely grossed out and told him so. But did he care? Nooo. He looked me right in my face as he gleefully took a monster bite of his sandwich and then laughed when the mayo squirted out from his bread and landed all over the table. AND it was all over his mouth. I don’t have to tell you what it looked like. And he knew it bothered me so he began chewing with his mouth open, displaying the most grotesque mess one could witness.

Gosh, I have so much writing to do, but I couldn’t let this go without an honorable mention–kind of like when I keep talking about nose pickers . . . Oops. Did I mention that again??

To Tweet or not to Tweet

Testing. Is this thing on?

Okay guys, I need you to please hear me out. I know Twitter started out as a hot commodity. It was just so groovy to post my thoughts and my whereabouts all week long. But can I tell you something? I don’t have the head to keep posting my thoughts and my whereabouts. It’s not that I don’t want you guys to know my whereabouts. It’s just that, well . . . do you really give a rat’s ass what I’m doing all day long? Does anyone really care about my bad hair day or that I’m meeting my gay friends for drinks? Or that I got my stiletto heal stuck in the metal groove on the escalator in the Menlo Park Mall? I don’t think so.
Why are we telling the world what we’re doing and who we’re with and what we want to aspire to when we grow up? I mean, really guys. Who has the time? But here’s what gets me.
We complain that the government knows too much of our business. We worry over identity theft. We’re afraid of being stalked. Hello? If you keep Twittering all day long, you can pretty much bet that your life is out there for the whole wide world to see.

Okay. I feel better. I just had to get this off my chest. Maybe I should have Tweeted this. Hmmm, not such a bad idea. Heck. What’s one more Tweet for the road?

Valentine deFrancis on Twitter

Black Friday’s A-Commin’ but There’s a Better Bargain Day

An example of street markets accepting credit ...
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In just four more days, a whirlwind of back-stabbings and deceitery is going to be in your town. It’s going to start from 12 a.m. Thanksgiving night and will end, whenever. Get your credit cards ready. On your mark, get set, GO! Black Friday is here and it’s your last chance for getting a bargain in 2011.

So, okay. I know what Black Friday stands for in the retail end of things. But remember what happened two years ago? People actually died. And I wrote about it last year, and I’m writing about it now, and in my mind I just can’t fathom why businesses don’t give these outrageous discounts all year long so that they don’t have to freak-out about being in the red come year-end. Seriously. Black Friday is such a psychological head game that I can’t believe that no one is smart enough to catch-on and  just say screw-em. But alas, there is that discount, and it’s a good discount that simply can’t be ignored. Or could it?

The lines will begin forming around one in the morning and will snake around the stores and into their parking lots. The countdown will begin and everyone will be on their toes. Hearts will pound. Adrenaline will flow. Saliva will drip.  And the beast will be ready to pounce on the poor schnook who has to open the doors. Good grief. Think about it. Great bargains. Spending money. Are we really saving? You want to know when you’re going to save money? You’ll save money in January, the day after New Year’s.

I’m not going to say anything more about Black Friday. You know the deal, or at least you think you do. But if you really want deals, New Years’ Day, kids. That’s the day. And don’t let anyone tell you different.

While you’re killing yourselves on Black Friday, I’ll be chillin’, waiting for the real bargain day of the year.

Have fun!

Why The Law of Attraction Isn’t Working For You

I’ve studied the mind for more than half my life, and I consider myself an expert in the field of anxiety disorders. I’ve conquered agoraphobia twice in twenty-four years with the use of my mind, and I know why our minds do what they do and how to repair the problem. So when I tried to put The Secret into use and was coming up with zero results, I had to know the reason. I prayed and meditated, and asked God to give me the reasons why it wasn’t working for me. And He did. He led me to read many books on the subject, and I now have the answers. I am going to tell you, straight-up, why The Secret, The Laws of Attraction, and any other books you’ve read haven’t worked for you. Here we go.

The reason why these books and courses haven’t worked is because they are witholding the fundamental truth. They’ve selectively omitted certain words that are crucial for the understanding of it. They haven’t used the words, SUBCONSCIOUS BELIEFS, anywhere. They haven’t stated that your core beliefs are responsible for all your manifestations. They haven’t stated that you must find out what these core beliefs are, and then change them, if you want to manifest your desires. The law of attraction is dictated by the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND AND ONLY THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND. What this means is simple: you can consciously think positive thoughts all day long, but unless your core beliefs (your subconscious) line up with your thoughts and desires, you’re wasting your time and energy. It’s a simple fact that The Secret doesn’t exactly tell you. Yes, The Secret tells you that you have to believe in order for it to work, but it doesn’t tell you that your core beliefs are responsible for what you are manifesting. It doesn’t say that what you believe underneath is how the universal laws are governed.

Take a look at your life. If you’ve been practicing The Secret, and it’s been a few months, and you’re still broke, still over weight, still alone, then something is definitely wrong. If you’ve been thinking wonderful and positive thoughts and nothing’s happened, then you have to ask yourself why. The reason is simple. The law of attraction is a universal law that’s always perfect, either way. It doesn’t discriminate and it won’t give you an argument. If your core beliefs are negative, then you will attract just that. If they’re positive, then you’ll attract just that. This law is constant and never changing. This is how the physical world operates. Your life as you live it, right this very second, is the manifestation of what your subconscious believes. It’s what you believe about yourself and about your life that governs what you’re attracting. So if you were a heavy kid who was constantly ridiculed and made fun of, who didn’t have friends because of your weight, then I can bet that your subconscious belief about yourself is that you’re a fat, no-good loser, who will never be thin and successful. Don’t believe me? The proof is in how you’re living your life. If you’ve been practicing The Secret and still haven’t lost weight, then something is holding back the progress. Your outter life is the result of what your subconscious is dictating–EVERY TIME, EVERY DAY, ALL DAY, NO EXCEPTIONS—EVER.

Now, I know there are hundreds of books, lectures, seminars, and courses that teach the tricks of the trade to get you to manifest your desires more quickly and easily. They want you to pay big money to learn what is inherent in each of you. You each hold the knowledge and key to healing yourselves and to reaching your goals and dreams. So why are these gurus making billions of dollars? Because they know the deal and are dangling the carrot in front of your noses, desperately trying to get you to buy their products. I’m all for making money; we have to have money. But here’s what gets me: people across the world need help. We need each other. If I can help you change your life, I’m going to, without charging you. I’m a writer and I write books. Yes, I want to make money off my books. That’s my career. And if I’m writing fiction or truth, I’m giving you my all–no holds bar. But claiming that you’re trying to help people, and are only giving them PART OF THE CURE, well, to me, that’s equivelent to foreplay without the main event. We need help from people who truly want to help us. I know that these gurus want to make their money, but they should be telling you everything . . . all the words, all the key points, not just a piece of the puzzle, leaving you wondering what you’re doing wrong.

Listen, you’re not doing anything wrong. All you need to do is start digging into your life. Begin by being honest with yourself about how you really feel about life and about yourself. Write it down and really examine it. When you unmask the truths about how you feel about money, success, love, and your body, then you can begin to change these negative core beliefs with positive affirmations and meditations that will reprogram those damaging negative beliefs into constructive positive beliefs. And when you begin to change your core beliefs, which nine out of ten times aren’t true, which were planted by circumstances and good meaning parents, you can then start the process of deliberate intention of manifesting good things.

You’ve been searching for answers everywhere. You’ve spent countless hours online, looking at web sites that are trying to sell you their products. You click on the site, and then scroll through five pages of promises, only to have you hanging at the end. They don’t divulge the answers. So you buy the product and are still left with questions. Don’t you find it amazing how all these gurus are coming out of the woodwork promising you that they know what The Secret didn’t tell you? And most of these gurus were mentioned in The Secret! Why didn’t they tell us everything in the book?

Listen, please. This is coming from my heart. Deliberate manifestation will not work if what you’re wishing for is going against what you believe deep inside. I repeat: THE LAW OF ATTRACTION WILL NOT WORK, IT WILL NOT WORK, NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, IF YOUR WISHES ARE GOING AGAINST WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF.