one cock-a-doodledoo is enough, thank you

So, many of you know that I was posting a Friday blog–kind of like a weekly column, filling you in on everyday stuff that we all can relate to–like guys who wear their jeans below their butt cheeks, exposing their ass cracks, and nose pickers who eat their picks, and dog doodoo left unattended by pet owners. And then life got in my way and kept me from writing about that stuff, which resulted in a ton of emails asking me when I would resume my position as the ‘WordPress blogging mayor’. And this was good. So I thought about how I would be able to keep doing my work and at the same time write a column, blog my blogs, and network, all without getting totally nuts. Yes, I know I’m already nuts, so don’t email me to agree with me.

So this made me think. What? You don’t smell the smoke? Anyway, I needed to figure out how I was going to handle all this writing on an everyday basis, so I took a pen and pad, went over to my black leather recliner in my study, and plopped my butt into it. I was on a mission to construct a system that would give me permission to be productive and still have fun.

Well, it was 9 pm when I ventured into this little task, totally unaware that I was tired. I didn’t feel tired. I didn’t look tired. But heck, I must have been tired because the next thing I knew, I was being woken by a big, sharp, piercing, COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOOOOO.

I jumped from the recliner, not knowing where I was, and looked over to my TV clock–squinting to see the time. It looked like it was 4:30 am. “What the &%%%?” I said as I walked over to my window, which overlooks several properties, to search for the culprit. I couldn’t see anything because as you all know, it’s dark out at 4:30 am. Finally, I shut the blinds and decided that I should go to bed. I slipped on my pajamas, and got into my warm bed and within seconds, dozed out. I suppose all was calm, and all was right until I started to dream.

I dreamt that I was baking chocolate cupcakes, and there were thousands of them lined up waiting to be frosted. It was scary because I was worried how I would be able to frost them all. Big vats of creamy chocolate looked like black holes of swirling Hershey’s. I wanted to taste the Hershey’s, but everytime I put the spoon to my mouth, a big, COCKADOODLEDOO, came screaming out of me. I remember running and looking back, and the faster I ran, the faster the ‘cock’ ran. He just came from nowhere. I never knew that cocks could run that fast, but I sure learned pretty quick. It was catching up to me, this cock, and it would scream its insane call at me. I ran, and ran, until I flew away. But I wasn’t safe, because the cock had wings and he kept calling me until I woke in a sweat.

I jumped from my sleep, totally out of breath, waking the boyfriend. “What’s the matter, Chu? Did you have a nightmare?”

“It was horrible,” I gushed. “I had this big cock chasing me.”

“Excuse me?” he said, now fully awake.

“Yeah, I had this big, noisy cock chasing me, calling to me… cockadoodledoo, but really loud.”

All I heard was laughter, then more laughter, then hysterics.

“What the hell is so funny?” I said groggily.

“What kind of cock was this?” he said in between his fit of hysterics.

“It was the kind with wings.”

“Did it have a head?”

“Of course it had a head. What cock doesn’t have a head?”

I leaned down into my pillow, trying to ignore him.

“Oh, this is special,” he said in between gagging. “Your cock had a head and wings. Only you would dream this.”

As I lay with my eyes shut, it occurred to me what he was thinking. “You moron,” I shouted. “I dreamed of a bird, not a you-know-what.”

He was laughing even louder.

Men. Mention the word ‘cock’ and you get a rise out of them.

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