Well, I did it. I finally found a new apartment and moved in over the last couple of days. It was grueling. It was stressful. But did I mention that it was smelly? Oh, I didn’t? Then let me mention it now. I had a smelly move. I shall elaborate. I had Verizon’s Fios Triple Play installed in my new place on Tuesday. The Verizon guy came on time and was very nice. He was courteous and helpful, and knew his stuff. But he was a tad smelly. Now don’t get all mad at me for saying this. He worked his butt off for hours, and I tipped him for his hard work, but that didn’t take away his smelliness. I mean seriously folks. I can only hold my breath for so long before I’m gonna pass out. He was so smelly that I had to open every window in my apartment, and may I remind you that it’s mucho frio here in New York. I was walking around wearing a hat and mittens. He didn’t seem to notice that I was geared up for a blizzard. In fact, when he went to show me how to use the remote with all its little gadgets, he never once mentioned that I looked a bit odd pressing the buttons with mittens on. Oh well. White Castle anyone?
So I told you about the guy in The Deppa? The one who exposed his ass crack while he was bending? Well wait till you hear this one. I was in my car trying to find a parking spot near my bank, when I saw a young man coming out of Sears and walking towards his car. He was wearing his jeans very low–down by his ass-cheeks, low. You know how they wear them, right? Well, he had those bad boys so low that when I noticed him, I was hoping that they would fall. Now don’t give me the tsk, tsk, shame on you Val speech. I know you feel the same way. But here’s the best part . . . they fell to his knees. Yep they did, and I almost crashed the Mentley–that’s my new word for my Toyota which I dreamily pretend is a mini Bentley–get it? Mini and Bentley = Mentley. Anyway, when I saw his pants fall to his knees, I almost lost control of the wheel. I screamed so loud that they heard me in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. Homie was in shock. He dropped what he was holding and looked around as he picked them up–probably hoping that nobody saw him, but helloooo? This was at the mall, people. On Black Friday, people. Do you think anyone saw him? hahahahahaha. Ohmygosh!
So did I tell you that my new landlords are I-talians? I didn’t? Gosh, what’s wrong with me lately? Yes. They are I-talians. And not just any I-talians. They are from the other side, I-talians. They have fruit trees in their back yard. Did you hear me? Fruit trees. In the city. Hello? They have fig trees, olive trees, peach trees, and something that I’ve never heard of. They grow all their own veggies, and they make their own wine. They are the cutest little couple you would want to meet, and I am lucky to know them.
Today, I rang their bell to tell them something, and I left with a cantaloupe. Can you believe that? They had gone to Costco and bought a sack of melons, and gave me one as a parting gift. Now that’s what I call being friendly. There’s just one little, itsy-bitsy thing. He’s a little hard of hearing. I said to him, thank you so much for the melon. And he responded, I no tinka da maila comma yet.
So Imma tella you-a somting. Imma tella you
1– if you wanna good-a fruita, you grow da fruita yourselfa.
2– if you canta tella the difference between the words-a melon and maila — getta hearing aida
3– whena you taka offa you shirta, and itta standa by itselfa, itta time to taka baththa. Okay? Okay.
So for now my lovelies. I bid you a big ciao and seeya next time.