People. I gotta tell ya. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to relate to this little beaut. For the last few months, I’ve been apartment hunting. At first, I was going to relocate outwest to Boulder City, Nevada. The housing issue in Vegas and Boulder is frightening. Half of Vegas and Boulder are in foreclosure, which is good news for me. I can buy a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house for under $300,000. Now for some of you who live in other areas of the United States of confusion, this may appear to be staggering. But for this New Yorker, the price is just right. Here in New York, you can’t buy a gallon of milk for under $3.89, yet alone buy a house for $300,000. So Vegas seemed like a plan. Well, just when I was getting all warm and cozy with the idea of moving across the country, life happened, and I had to put my Vegas dream on hold; which meant that I had to stay in New York for a while longer.
Which led me to my apartment search . . . *deep sigh*
Okay. So I said to my boyfriend one morning, “If I can’t live in Vegas, then I want to live out in Long Island.”
He was on his way out the door to go to work. “Whatever you want. Make it happen,” he yelled back.
Now ladies. When a guy gives you carte blanche to do whatever you feel like doing, you’re going to take full advantage of it, right? So I got on it. I started with Craigslist. I know, you don’t have to tell me.
The apartments that I clicked on had photos. Many of the ads stated that their apartments were gorgeous, roomy, light and airy, but more importantly, all-inclusive. What’s all-inclusive, you ask? All-inclusive means that the rent includes gas, electric, cable, and sometimes internet. Sounds too good to be true, right? You bet your damn bootie that it’s too good to be true. Because that all-inclusive one bedroom apartment for $1350 is in a basement. Yep. A basement. An underground coffin. A musty, moldy pit with no windows, where Neanderthals and their kids stomp above your head with no regard of the time or that you’re underneath them. What nerve! Have you ever heard of the expression “Another man’s garbage is another man’s treasure”? Well talk about garbage! These trashy apartments give that expression a whole new meaning.
How dare they say that the apartment is light and airy. How dare they say gorgeous. But what really gets my blood boiling is how dare they say all-inclusive. Do you want to know why these apartments are all-inclusive? Because the apartments are illegal, and the homeowners don’t want to go through the red tape and expense of making their one family home a legal two family home. Furthermore, to re-do the plumbing and electrical work would require plenty of labor and quite a bit of money. Why should they bother when they can rent it without telling Uncle Sammy? Hense, the high rent to cover the tenant’s usage of utilities. Do they think we are stupid? I will not give anyone $1350 for three tiny rooms in a basement of an illegal apartment. They can kiss my apartment-hunting New York ass.
And speaking of asses . . .
I was in Home Depot yesterday waiting for my paint to be mixed, when a guy came over to the paint department to buy supplies. I had my eye on him because, well, I had nothing better to do. I continued to watch him as he bent over to retrieve an item from the bottom shelf. And that’s when I saw it. It was gross. It was obscene, but worst of all, it was hairy. And I couldn’t turn away. It was almost like watching a train wreck–awful, yet intriguing.
Guys, please. For the love of God. Will you pull your damn pants up before you bend over. No one wants to see your ass crack. Gee-sus.
People, have you lost your ever-lovin’ minds?
Okay, so here’s my tip of the day.
Sorry guys, but this is strictly for you. Either get clothes that fit you properly, lose some weight, pull your damn pants up to where they belong, or shave your ass.
And this is for everyone. Remember. Be careful what you’re looking for. You just may find it.
Okay. Gotta run. Seeya next time.