Yesterday, I wrote about how I suffered through my first heartbreak. Looking back on the experience, I can see things from a learning perspective. Back then, I was just a young girl, beginning my journey into life. I was new. Pure. Untouched. Unspoiled. But living life does something to one’s persona. When you get cheated on, or betrayed or lied to, it takes away the happy–it takes away the innocense, and leaves hard-core cynics who live in mistrust and fear. Life has a way of working its lessons, doesn’t it? One day we’re wearing shit-eating grins, and the next day we’re crying over some guy who didn’t call.
But here’s the thing: why do we let ourselves get hurt, over and over again? I know we’re not stupid people. We have it going on, don’t we? We’re hip to it, clever, too old for the chomp, and yet, we still make the same freakin’ mistakes; as if we’re robots stuck on STUPID mode. But, why?
Why do we go with the wrong men? What is it about the badboy that attracts us?
Now, before you say that you’re not attracted to the badboy, let me define what badboy means to me. To me, a badboy is a guy who we can’t stay away from. He’s cute, funny, smart, you know, he has the whole package. The reason I call him a badboy isn’t because he’s out in the world committing crimes or riding a Harley with the Angels, wreaking havoc everywhere he goes. Nope. He’s a badboy because there’s something about him that hits an emotional trigger within us; a trigger that could bring us to our knees, if we let it. What’s the trigger? It’s our fathers.
Please don’t say, eeeww, because I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about a trait that mimics something we equate with love and security–even in father-daughter relationships that weren’t good. We somehow make an emotional link to the badboy if there’s something about him that subconsciously reminds us of our fathers. So this guy is good to go, right? Wrong.
Wrong? Yes, wrong. Why? Because these traits are only mimics of the man who raised you. The badboy is just a guy who has his own values and beliefs. He’s not your father; he’s only a trigger. He’s got his own agenda which may be good or not so good. He may look like dad, walk like dad, talk like dad, but he ain’t dad. He’s a badboy who reminds you of dad, and this, all by itself, keeps you attracted to him.
Now this guy may come off like the greatest catch, and because of it, you find yourself hopelessly in love—to the point where he can do no wrong, until he does something wrong. You find out he cheated. Can’t be. He was perfect in every way. But the truth is, you wanted to believe he was perfect because he reminded you of dad. What now? How do you get past his betrayal? You want to believe he’s innocent. You’re even willing to give him another chance, if his story seems credible. But the story doesn’t hold water. He tricked you. Eventually, he’s gone.
What do you do now? If you don’t understand what attracted you to this guy you’ll end up going after another guy just like him. You’ll find another daddy-badboy and repeat the process all over again. So how do you break the pattern of going after the badboy?
You have to sit down and examine the attraction. Examine his traits. Think them through. Then ask yourself this: am I equating this guy with my father? It’ll be tough to answer because you may not want to admit it, but trust me, if you do this, you won’t make the same mistake again.
Girls. I hate to say this, but it’s horrible when big girls cry. Isn’t it time to put an end to it?